Popes on Bicycles
Gary Every
Popes on bicycles pedaling furiously, wheels turning round and round as the pope travels far underground in a tunnel beneath the Atlantic Ocean, carrying a top secret message for the President.
During the Great Depression, FDR ran in an election against a Republican named Al Smith who was pro-immigrant and anti-prohibition. Al Smith admitted to being (gasp!) a practicing Catholic.
Popes on bicycles and bishops on tandem bikes, some of the tandems stretching on and on and on like long bicycle caterpillars with a bishop atop every seat, long robes flowing behind as they crank and grind.
Some thought FDR was the great Satan, working hard to destroy our nation with a new deal and a stacked Supreme Court but many figured it was still better than a Catholic president forced to obey whatever orders the Vatican sent.
In anticipation of a Catholic president, the pope demanded a tunnel be built beneath the Atlantic Ocean, stretching from Europe to North America, connecting the Old World with the New. The pope wanted the tunnel to be a secret bicycle superhighway but alas Al Smith lost the election and there was no reason for the pope to bicycle beneath the ocean. The religious leaders had practiced so hard and all for naught, Cardinals in their bright red robes forming a windbreak for the pope to ride behind as he pedaled furiously. Cardinals, one after the other taking the lead, riding fast and hard, so the pope can bicycle right behind, taking advantage of the wind break.
When one cardinal gets tired he peels to the back of the pack and the next cardinal takes up the charge—bicycling hard. Trailing up the rear is a chubby friar, riding a unicycle. Despite only having one wheel, the portly padre does a good job keeping up with the brisk pace maintained by the flying cardinals. The whole time he rides his unicycle the fat friar juggles. I do not know why he juggles—it does not seem to speed him up but it does not seem to slow him down either, so they let him juggle. The padre is down there every day, in the tunnel beneath the ocean, cycling and juggling and hoping beyond hope to one day carry a secret message to the president.
GARY EVERY has published in journals such South Carolina Review, Main Street Rag, Snowy Egret, and science fiction publications such as Tales of the Talisman, Mythic Delirium, and Starline. As a journalist he has won awards from the Arizona Newspaper Association for pieces such as "Losing Geronimo's Language" and "The Apache Naichee Ceremony." Mr. Every is also a founding member of the poetry and jazz band The Mighty Minstrels. Of "Popes on Bicycles," he says: "This story was inspired by my nephew Joshua sharing this urban legend he learned during his high school American history class and I just rolled with it from there."
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